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Monday, September 29th, 2003
2:34 pm - Now I understand why I'm a college student...
So I don't have to get fired by menial jobs such as I Cant Believe it's Yougurt. I've never been fired before. I just don't understand. He said because of the problems with my schedual, but I told him what my schedual was like right when I started.

Ridiculous. Now I have to find another job and maybe eat a little. My throat hurts. I thought today was going to be good, but sometimes one gets tricked.

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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
7:54 pm - No beginning
I'm nursing my stomach after a day of eating crap. Or lack of good food. Whichever sounds better I suppose. The tip of my nose is cold and I'm drinking tea. Sure sign of fall. I'm even wearing *gasp* a turtleneck sweater. *snicker* Ah well, better to be warm and look doofy than friggin' freezing and uncomfortable, yet great looking. Maybe my bandana will attract them all.

Shit, there is no way in my possible world that I can make this entry one with a beginning or end because it always seems to begin and end every day. Run on sentence much?

Need to take more Ginko Biloba. Energy would be good. And it really helps with my medication. Scott found on celexa.com that Ginko Biloba helps with the side effects of the drug. It's really very interesting. I could feel already by the third day of taking it that I felt the need to sleep less and I felt a little more sexual. I think I'm going to see how this goes.

No end.

current mood: weird

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Monday, September 1st, 2003
10:30 pm
This sucks. I have to read 20 more pages of anatomy.


Go to this website: http://www.tlchicken.com

current mood: listless

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Friday, August 29th, 2003
12:05 am
Housemates are occupied so I get to write a journal entry. I'm overly private about these, considering anybody at any given time can access this thing...they just don't know who I am. False privacy I guess. Oh well, I type almost as fast as I think. That's better than on paper, although I suppose those journals are good too. What am I talking about for cripes sake?

Class all day really. Except for the mistake of sleeping in through the english class. Oh well, I have another chance or so.

The mushrooms are looking nice, I can't wait until harvest.

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Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
9:48 pm - In another world...
...I would be in the mountains with the rainbow family.

I guess I could quit school and stop paying rent and hitch a ride west, but that's so illogical right now. Give me the constant sounds of drums and dancing! Give me the Electric Kool-aid acid test and a pack of hippies to yell "Moo!" with. Give me the great meadow with love and peace in the air.

But no, I'm sitting in my beautiful apartment, with the ac on, listening to Rob stum a guitar, making pasta, and getting ready to read homework. I don't mind...for now. I heard there is a Regional Gathering in the North Woods this weekend, which would be awesome. Harley Fest SUCKS!!!! FUCK ALL YOU COMING TO MILWAUKEE!! Ha. Just kidding. Wouldn't want any Hell's Angels after me. Or my dad for that matter.

Yes, he's coming up to Milwaukee for the first time since he left us. For the Harley Festival. He told me that he may be able to squeeze me into the weekend schedual. Thanks, Dad. You're the best father ever. This also means he's bringing his bitch (isn't that what they call them?). She will most likely be inspecting our apartment and commenting on how I never call my father. God, fuck this.

I'm going on vacation.


current mood: contemplative

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Monday, August 25th, 2003
11:38 pm - Love poem for the warm soggy summer.
So tired.

School starts tomorrow.

Hot house.


current mood: lethargic

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11:14 pm - So I finally created my own Hell...

Militant Vegans
Circle I Limbo

Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Bill Gates
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

George Bush
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Osama bin Laden
Circle VII Burning Sands

Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Saddam Hussein
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

current mood: hot

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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
6:23 pm
So Scott got a job. I should get one next, I suppose. Oh for the love of God and the future of my education and career do I need a job.

Contracts are evil.

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Friday, August 22nd, 2003
11:07 pm - With friends all watching
It's a little hard to write, considering I'm used to going on the computer without anyone in the room.

I have finally done it! I moved out of the house into a nice little flat on the East Side. My mother seems to be quite pleased and seems a lot less stressed than when we lived together. I'm telling you, Aries and Cancers are not made to live together. This apartment blows my mind. Upper, 3-4 bedroom, dining room, living room, kitchen, 1 1/2 bath, HARD WOOD FLOORS! I'm getting to use my rugs that had been in storage for years, from Serbia and Colorado. The tapesteries are up, road runner is running, and the fans are running on the ceiling. It was an incredible deal though and other than low water pressure, it's great. It's a luxery I'm realizing. My 2 roomates are great, Rob and Scott. Rob has been my good friend since middle school. He's the only person I really kept in touch with and actually stayed friends with from high school. Scott is from Colorado. Oodles of stories there.

Finally quit the Thrift Mart after slave labor for 3 months. That's all I could take. I don't mind the crazy people who come there to shop, it's the people I worked with. Shit, those people are the crazy ones. I actually enjoyed talking to the customers because of all the quirkiness going on.

I went to the National Rainbow Gathering for the week over the 4th of July weekend. Talk about incredible. Description in a nutshell: 7,000 of the best friends you've never met. The good energy there was incredible. There were so many beautiful people, not afraid to be themselves and show their beauty. Also a lot of hippies, old and young. There were also the Rastafarians, Christians, Krisnas, etc. Imagine walking down a long, rugged path, around trees and boulders, dust around your toes, watching out for prickers. Suddenly, the trees become less dense and you walk through the opening path. People are making love in tents and you walk past them, through those trees. A huge valley, the incredible great meadow is in front of you. The peace pole is in the middle, flags all around. Children are running around, under the watchful eye of everyone, because trust is the common bond. The drum circle is going and as you walk closer to the center, the dancing thickens and the energy is almost blinding. People are praying, praying to their god, to the universe for peace, ongoing peace and for just once, it seems hopefull that enough people care.

But there is also bad energy here, guns are here. They walk around with badges and horses. Yells of "6 up!" goes around as one is a quick quarter of a mile behind me. They stay on the paths, though, and generally do not come at night.

This is where Scott comes in. I met him on a path, very secluded. I had just walked a few miles trying to release my mind and my energy and this dreadlocked hippie was sitting on a log, smoking what I thought was a cigarette. It turned out to be a small 420 rest stop. Don't mind if I do, huh? His personality clicked with me and Rob right away and now he is here, in Wisconsin.

For me.

I have started something I've never done or experienced before. God, I'm scared. But incredibly excited.

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Saturday, April 19th, 2003
3:30 am
I'm reading a hilarious book. Don't feel like expressing it because I'm stoned.

So. I've thought about this whole new guy thing and I really don't think it's something I need. I need sex right now. Not a new boyfriend. Yes. I think that's what's missing right now and it sucks because I'm horny! God damn government.

Anyhoo, sorry about that, had to get it out. I saw a lot of people today who I haven't seen in awhile. I hung out with a kid from my group sessions and just got stoned with him and geeked out. I haven't geeked out in ages.

Anyway again, I'm going to bed. Is asparagus an aphrodesciac?

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Friday, April 18th, 2003
1:31 am
I met a guy after a dry spell. There are some predicaments with this one, though. Arg. Why does it always have to be this hard? He has a kid but isn't married. Joint custody. Give me some feedback here.

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Friday, April 4th, 2003
12:38 am
I'm painting right now. It needs more lines.

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Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
9:06 pm
Back from Duluth. Now I realize what I left. They're all fucking sheep there. All anyone does is drink for fun and that leaves me with almost nothing to do. Even my roomate was extremely drunk. I sipped my few wine coolers and pathetically got a buzz from those. Immediately as I got there, 4 people offered to smoke me up. It was a little rough under these conditions to say no...and by the end of the night I had broken my goal once (that was to restrain from ANY kind of drug use) and had smoked a bowl along with the drinks. It wasn't the bud I was concerned with, but the fact that I drank.

Then Alex tried to get on me. And I was disgusted. I really couldn't help the repulsiveness that ran through me. Yuck.

In other news, I went back to work yesterday. Nothing has changed at all. Only a few people realized I was gone for 2 weeks and when I said I was in the hospital, no questions were asked by them, thank god.

My tummy hurts right now but it has to pass. I ate well today. Digestion, that's what it is!

current mood: rejuvenated

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Monday, February 24th, 2003
10:25 pm
Skipped half of rehab today on account of a damn bladder infection. It was nice to come home, put in some Jack Johnson and write a letter to Jenny. I really don't feel like talking about the od anymore to my friends. I've had to tell the professionals a billion times over exactly what happened...or what I can recall. I'm getting tired of it, although I know I'm going to have to do it again. I figured in a letter, I can talk about what I want to talk about and not have to answer her questions. I don't know what to say to her over the phone considering her love for heroin and morphine. I'm sure she's at a loss for words too. I think this will help, though. A letter instead of a phone call.

I haven't spoken with Joe since he said he didn't want anything to do with me. Okay. I get it. He really doesn't. I'm not going to push anything because I know it's just going to hurt me and nothing is going to be accomplished. All I want to do is be with him, but I know if I get him again, I'm not going to be happy with that. I'm fucked up. Completely fucked up.

I swear, this Fruit Works Apple Raspberry juice is the nectar of the gods.

In other news, I went shopping this weekend. Cds and clothes...mmmm, a girl's dream shop. I got an awesome pair of cords that I think I've been looking for my whole life. Baggy, cargo cords with a drawstring. They fit perfectly. And they were only 3 bucks! What a friggin deal. Of course, I had to swipe a shirt to go with it. Besides the angora/lambswool turtleneck (2 bucks) I got a great long sleeved t-shirt to go with bright pants or whatever.


current mood: accomplished

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Saturday, February 22nd, 2003
2:52 pm
I got a card today from a girl I used to play in a quartet with/high school. She goes to school with Joe and coincidentely lives on his floor. I'm starting to feel like more people care and the lonliness is suceeding a little.

I'm debating whether or not I should smoke up tonight. I don't know if it may help me drive deeper in or help me out of this depression. Luckily, my best friend is coming home tonight and I'll be with him.

Joe wrote me an e-mail basically stating that he can't be in my life until I figure things out about myself and clean myself up. That's rough. He's right, though. It's not fair to him to have to carry the burden of me coming and going and leaving and scaring him. It's just not fair to him. He deserves to have a life and not have to think about me. He's not in love with me anymore. I guess that kind of hurts the most, but it was bound to happen one day.

I need a shower. I just took one last night and I need a shower already. I hate our hot water heater though because it runs out so fast! It's old! Damn old houses.

current mood: hopeful

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Friday, February 21st, 2003
10:50 pm
Oh, and Dave and I broke up. Boo fucking hoo.

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10:48 pm
I od'd Sunday night on Morphine. Wednesday I got out of the hospital, still feeling withdrawls but otherwise alright. I had accidentely taken 90 mg of morphine out of pure stupidity. 90 mg...which I later found out is more than lethal to a person not being prescribed to it. The cops and emts thought I had tried to commit suicide. When they got to the house, my heart had stopped and my face was gray. I had stopped breathing just prior.

(In other news, the cops also confiscated my pipe and my pot, but didn't charge me.)

I'm in outpatient rehab now. I can't even really describe how I feel besides low, stupid, and lonely. My friends know. Joe knows. My parents know. Unfortunately my friends' parent's know. I feel shamed. I feel exhausted. I just feel dumb.

Now I have to start over and that's so hard to think about. How can I do it? What do I do? I can only keep going to counseling, group session, therapy, and daily 15 minute sessions with my horrid new doctor to see.

Thank Mother Earth the EMTs didn't break my sternum rececitating me.

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Tuesday, February 11th, 2003
9:49 pm
There are good days. And then there are snowy work days.

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Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
2:09 pm
So I risk getting my journal hijacked. Ah well. I can live. I feel like such a bum today. I slept through my 10:00 class and that's nothing new. I suppose that could have an effect on my grade, but I'm keeping up so that's good.

I have a little dog next to me and he just looks so cute. He has these big brown peepers that just say, "love me!"

Cripes, I'm a loser. Get me out of here!

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Tuesday, February 4th, 2003
7:10 pm
Definetely a rotten, crummy day today. Weather=freaking cold man. But I made my rounds. Most that I was supposed to do. Gotta get an oil change next. I can't simply make this journal a list of things to do. But yet...I should.

-Go to class

-Do homework

-Go to work

-Go to appointments

-Buy milk and could syrup at the store

Okay, I'm off for the last item. Fucking brrrr.

current mood: winding in circles

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